If you don't really want to do something, no one can help you.
It is true.
I've been studying a lot about goals, obviously--this year I accomplished several goals, and I've been writing about it here. I just started rereading my Napoleon Hill collection. But everything comes down to those two sentences.
If you REALLY WANT something, no one can stop you.
If you don't REALLY WANT something, no one can help you.
I have been blessed to know what it is like to REALLY WANT something. To want something so badly it consumes you. To have your desires on the forefront of your mind at every turn. Fortunately I've only wanted good things like that--like to be married, and to graduate from high school and then college, and to get a job and a house, and that sort of thing. Because I imagine having negative desires like that would be pretty terrible.
It used to really frustrate me that other people didn't REALLY WANT things like I did. I guess because, at least for me, once I tasted that feeling, I wanted it forever. When I don't REALLY WANT things, my life feels very empty. But it's the kind of emptiness you don't realize you have until it's filled. So I think a lot of people don't know what they're missing out on by allowing themselves to be dispassionate.
Anyway, I no longer care if other people REALLY WANT things or not. I mean, it's like that quote says: if you don't REALLY WANT something, no one can help you. I can't help you. If you don't have a passion in your life, something that you crave and fight for, I can't do anything about that. I can't make you decide what in your life is worth having and what isn't. I can't decide for you if something is worth doing everything to have.
So, this realization has made me a lot more chill. Thank goodness.
But here's the thing. I feel like every day, I see a lot of people who casually want things, and wonder why their lives are not the way they want them to be. In some cases, it's positively heartbreaking. These people's lives could be different if they REALLY WANTED things--REALLY WANTED and then fought for them.
For example, I have a friend we shall call S who casually wants--well, all sorts of stuff. Overall, though, I bet you what she wants is a husband who can provide for her, a house of her own that she does not need to share, financial security, and solid spiritual grounding. She knows that she wants those things because she has mentioned them to me. But I know that she does not REALLY WANT those things, because if she did, her life would be different.
If she REALLY WANTED to get married, she would take better care of herself, make an effort to present and market herself in an attractive way, and make a concentrated effort to meet marriageable men. She would get herself some therapy to overcome her personal mental health problems that are holding her back.
If she REALLY WANTED to have a house of her own, she would get off her behind and actually do the paperwork for it. She says she has a hard time figuring that stuff out, but if she REALLY WANTED it, she would ask someone for help. Because people who REALLY WANT things stop at nothing to achieve their goals.
If she REALLY WANTED financial security, then she would be budgeting her money. She says she doesn't understand money very well but someone who REALLY WANTS financial security finds a way to understand it.
If she REALLY WANTED a solid spiritual grounding, then she would do whatever it took to get her spiritual affairs in order and be baptized like she has said she knows she must do. She would read her scriptures every day and pray every day. She says that she knows that's what is necessary for her to change her life. But apparently changing right now is "too hard."
Is it really too hard?
I seriously doubt it. In reality, it's just not what she wants. She doesn't REALLY WANT it.
And that's okay.
It's taken me years to be okay with this, but I think I am. I have always had a hard time with people who say they want things, but then clearly don't do the necessary work to get them. I guess that's why I'm a conservative. Because I believe that if you REALLY WANT something, no one can stop you.
People who REALLY WANT things go all the way trying to get them. When I REALLY WANTED to graduate early from high school, my typical day started at 4:30 am with homework, scriptures, showering and breakfast, and then I would literally go from there to seminary, to school (half the time without a lunch break, because I chose to take an extra class instead of lunch), to practice for the musical, to night school, to bed. Notice anything missing from that? Like, say, lunch and dinner? I would literally eat from the hour of five to six every day, and that was my meal. If I got hungry later on, I usually just had to deal with it. Sometimes I packed a snack. But with finite hours in the day, I had to make them count to achieve my goals.
Or when I was at BYU and REALLY WANTED to get married. I lost weight, ran five miles a day, wore makeup and heels every time I left the house, hosted gatherings, joined clubs, met people as often as I could, and actively sought out situations that could lead to something more. Yeah, it was hard. I have flat feet and severely pronated ankles--walking was hard. But I knew that guys judge your looks first, fair or not, and I decided it was worth it to me to have sore feet in return for having good looking legs. Do I love meeting new people? One of my friends thinks I'm an extravert, but in reality I hate meeting new people. It's scary and hard. But I went out of my way to put myself out there to meet new people, because obviously you've got to meet your husband somehow. Very few people have a spouse just magically pop into their lives. I did things that were hard and scary for me because I knew that's what it would take for me to accomplish my goal of attracting and then marrying the kind of guy I wanted to marry. When you REALLY WANT something, you make sacrifices to make it happen. You change your life, even the things you don't want to change, to make it happen.
So, to all my friends with unfulfilled dreams, know this: I don't care if you don't REALLY WANT your dreams to come true. You can sit around all day and want things that you don't have, and I am not frustrated with that.
But I want you to know that if you REALLY WANT something, REALLY, REALLY WANT it, nothing will stand in your way. If you REALLY WANT to get married, and you set it in your mind that you will do it by golly, and work with God and change your life to make it happen, I believe it will happen. If you REALLY WANT financial security--say, to get out debt, or learn how to budget--you can do that. People who REALLY WANT those things work hard to make them happen. They ask for help, take criticism, try things out and learn from their mistakes. But then they happen. Miracles happen for people who REALLY WANT and work hard to make their dreams come true.
I can already imagine what some of you might be thinking--ha, like anyone reads this, but maybe somebody does--thinking, "but I DO REALLY WANT things!"
To which all I have to say is--really? Are you really, literally, doing every single last little itty bitty thing that could help you achieve that goal right now?
Because I think just about everyone in this world, especially me, for the record, can do more than we are currently doing to achieve our goals--to get the things we want.
Anyway, this was long-winded and boring, and I'm sorry. I have just been thinking about this idea a lot and trying to figure out how I feel about it. How can I help my friend S out of her situation? I think the biggest thing I can do is help her discover this principle on her own and let her take it from there. Maybe she just doesn't even know realize that she doesn't actually want what she says she wants. Clearly, she wants the status quo more than she wants a home and a family and a strong spiritual footing because if she wanted those things, she would sacrifice her status quo on their altar and not look back. People do this all the time. Even people who are not normally passionate can find it in themselves to look at their lives and realize--if I REALLY WANTED x or y or z, I would be living differently. And they change their lives. So maybe just pointing that out to her is what I need to do.
Who knows.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, I'm grateful for you. I hope your Turkey Days were fantastic and filled with gratitude.
Here's to all of us learning how to REALLY WANT.
