I do believe that every person's external self is more or less an accurate reflection of their inner self. Terrifying, no? But I have seen it over and over again: the way we live our lives in one thing is how we live our lives in everything.
I have two closets filled with clothes right now. Seriously. And more clothes packed away because, well.
- Because my Nana gave me that sweater when I was nine and it would be a real shame to lose it. Will it ever fit me again? No. If it did, would I wear it? No. It's not really my style now. But it's sentimental.
- Because maybe one day I will suddenly lose my sense of taste and really want to wear those ugly skirts I inherited from someone I can't even remember. Can't even remember who gave 'em to me and they don't even fit--and I think they're ugly--but maybe one time they will fit me and I will like them!
- Because my mom bought it for me and if I get rid of it, she'll be offended. Have I ever worn it? Of course not. Will I ever wear it? Probably not. Didn't wear it the first five years I owned it. But it was a gift!
- Because what if one time I need that particular item of clothing for a reason I can't currently think of?
- Because I'm entering those motherhood stages of life, and when I'm pregnant I need one wardrobe and when I'm not pregnant I need a whole other one.
- Because my mom always got mad when I wanted to give away my clothes growing up, because she thought my sister could use them. (My sister then grew up and is now taller than me. Yeah, hand-me-downs are not so helpful now.)
- Because maybe one day there will be an emergency and I'll need all these clothes for some reason.
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Okay. I have approximately a zillion items of clothing that I don't wear ever, will likely not ever wear, and I keep them why?
But I think it's possible that my whole life is like that. I wonder a lot if the reason I have held on to my unwanted weight for so long is because I just hold onto things I don't need, no matter what the sphere is.
Like the time I went to a convention of farmers to talk to them about tax law and returned home with like 10 jars of jalapeno-strawberry jam (okay. I was seventeen). Which I didn't even like that jam. But they gave it away at the conference and I HAD TO KEEP IT.
For the record, no, I am not a hoarder and I love throwing things away. Also, I have never been actually overweight. But I sure wouldn't mind being fit both inside and out. And I think this process will entail shedding some excess baggage. Possibly in the form of clothing that:
- doesn't fit.
- is ugly.
- was unwanted in the first place.
- I never wear.
I decided that when I get to my goal weight, which I haven't really decided what that is yet, but I'll know when I get there, I will reward myself with a new wardrobe.
This is what it will consist of.
- two pairs of jeans, dark wash
- one pair of slacks, black
- five skirts
- two dresses
- ten to fourteen tops
- maybe as many as four cardigans but I should really just make it two but I love them so maybe as many as four ::cardigan love::
- a light jacket
- a winter coat
- a pair of everyday shoes
- a pair of black nice shoes
- a pair of bone nice shoes (just because those are required for my choir)
And that's all.
That's all that I want.
I have a million items of clothing and really, I only wear like 2 pairs of pants, 4 skirts, 2 dresses, 2 cardigans, and many 10-14 tops I just cycle on through. So why do I have two entire closets full of clothes?
Dude. Do you realize--I have like 7 workout shirts. Seven shirts--all of them from campaigns or church functions where they only ordered size L, XL, and XXL, and I actually kept the shirts. WHY? I do laundry every two days. I do not need to wear seven workout shirts in two days. Why do I still own them? WHY CAN'T I GET RID OF THEM?!?!?
I think cutting down on this baggage in my life will help a lot. I think when I am finally able to let go of the sentimentality, and the expectations, and the fears, and the rest of the emotions that come with keeping tons of excess clothing, it'll help me cut out the rest of the stupid clutter in my life. Getting rid of clothes I don't need will be a symbol in my life, a signal to tell the rest of my life that I can actually really afford to downsize, to cut things out and focus on only the stuff I need and use. Only the stuff that matters.
This, for the record, is why I do not share my mother's passion for decorating. So much stuff just makes my little soul tie itself in sad yucky knots. Yeah, it's cool to go into my mom's house and see 49 Christmas trees decked to the hilt in season appropriate decor, but the thought of storing all those trees in my house--and wasting my own time decorating them--oh yikes. I'm glad she does it and loves it, but I was happy to just have one tree this year. I'm so glad that Christmas decorations only take up one small pile in my attic, instead of an entire room in my attic.
Attic clutter is still clutter.
I want my life to be organized. I want the things in my life to have purpose. I don't ever want to have to waste my time maintaining something I don't care about (i.e., the extra clothes in my closet).
Maybe in this aspect, less can be more.
